Love Compatibility:
Why do I Always Attract the Wrong Type?

If your Love Compatibility Gauge is out of whack or, in other words, if you are always attracting partners who are not right for you, there may be various reasons for this situation. I suggest you consider the issues I am presenting in this article: the Law of Attraction, Familiarity, Opposites Attract, Self-esteem and Neediness.

Love compatibility issue #1: The Law of Attraction

Michael Losier who started to promote the law of attraction long before The Secret came out, explains this natural phenomenon in those terms: "Simply put, the Law of Attraction states that whatever you give your energy to, by the law of attraction (like attracts like), you will receive more of it, whether wanted or unwanted."

It means that, when you are having a so-called "bad day", things tend to get worse until you change your state of mind and start thinking positively. It always amazes me how true this law is when I start noticing. I am just minding my own business, when I drop a cup, bump into an open drawer, get stopped at all the red lights while driving and get insulted by a jay walker. All this in less than an hour! I catch myself and say "Stop! From now on, I am only going to attract positive things and my day is going to be great!" And this is exactly what happens. Just like magic!

In love, the law of attraction works the same way. If we focus on what we don’t want, we attract it. In fact, any negative forms, such as “don’t” or “no more,” appear to be bypassed.

A startling experiment was conducted in a factory a few years ago. The sign “Don’t slip” with a picture of a person falling down was posted in different locations, whether the site was dangerous or not. The results of the experiment revealed that more accidents occurred where the sign was posted than where there was no sign, regardless of how dangerous the location was. It seems that the sign reminded workers about falling. When the suggestion was put into their head, they were more likely to follow it. Have you noticed how your body tends to follow your head?

Words and pictures have tremendous power, whatever their intent may be. If I tell you “don’t look at your fingers” or “don’t think of an orange”, what are you tempted to do? Our brains are inclined to cancel the negative form “don’t” and to focus on the suggestion itself. Therefore we must make an extra effort to avoid performing the unwanted action.

Let’s see how it works in relationships. Looking for a love partner, Mary may think "I don't want someone who drinks too much", "No more violent partner for me" or "Next time, I'll make sure I am not getting involved with a womanizer". But as we have seen our subconscious mind is oblivious to words such as "don't", "no more" or "I am not". It actually cancels them out and just retains the image itself. When Mary utters those statements, she actually conjures the image of a partner who fits the description of "someone who drinks too much", "violent partner for me" or "getting involved with a womanizer". And who does she attract? You guessed it.

To get our Love Compatibility Gauge to work properly, we have to think in positive terms focusing on what we do want, and then allow it to come into our life. I know, it is easier said than done, but why not give it a try and mind your “don’ts”.

Love compatibility issue #2: Familiarity

Another reason why we may attract a "bad partner" is Familiarity – or what we are used to and therefore what feels normal and comfortable. This is where our childhood comes into play.

Very often, a battered wife is someone who used to be physically abused when she was a child. Similarly, children of parents who drank heavily may attract partners with drinking problems.

Ken was sexually abused as a child and had problems controlling his anger. Both his first and his second wife were also sexually abused. They needed psychotherapy and medication, and couldn't hold a job for long. After his second divorce, Ken met Michelle, a relatively "balanced" woman. She was a financial advisor and had many social activities. Even though Ken was fascinated by Michelle, he felt very uncomfortable with the fact he couldn't "rescue" her, like he was used to, and he finally broke up with her, while realizing she was "the best thing that happened to him".

When our love compatibility gauge is influenced by familiarity, the key is to change our environment and befriend the kind of people we aspire to become. The great Indian sage Paramahansa Yogananda once said: "It is difficult to be near a fragrant rose or an ill-odored skunk without being affected by it. So it is better to associate only with human roses."

Love compatibility issue #3: Opposites attract

In my many years of studying relationships, I have discovered that the concept of “Opposites attract” is entirely true, especially with love relationships.

Let’s consider a scale with a midpoint representing a perfectly balanced person. If we take a variety of scales with extremes such as cold and hot, quiet and talkative, lifeless and frantic, miserable and ecstatic, the farther you are from the midpoint (balance), the more likely you are to attract your opposite, in order to strike a balance in the relationship.

A very active man who enjoys sports and outdoor activities often attracts a delicate woman who likes to read and to dream. At first, they will be passionate about each other, because each complements the other, just like the north and south poles of two magnets. But later on, our inclination is to want our mate to be just like us. Instead of welcoming the opportunity to learn from each other, most couples fight about their differences.

To explore this phenomenon in relationships, one of the best ways I have found is to study hands, using palmistry. If you want to see how hands show compatibility, read those articles:
Love Compatibility: Opposites attract... at first!
Soul Mate Compatibility? Not a Sure Thing!
The Skunk and the Rose.

If you would like to know how to evaluate a relationship by looking at two partners’ hands, click here.

Love compatibility issue #4: Self esteem

It has been proven that we usually attract someone who subconsciously has the same level of self esteem as we do. Even if on the surface, one partner appears more at ease than the other, the emotional level is typically similar.

When Monique, a marketing executive in a large firm, left her unhappy marriage, she felt extremely guilty and depressed. She and her husband, a brilliant accountant, had been a relatively good match on an emotional level, even though a constant lack of communication combined with unresolved childhood issues had eventually destroyed the marriage.

For many months after the divorce, Monique was attracted to partners of the “wrong” types: a violent man with a criminal record, a drug addict unable to keep a job, and an alcoholic in denial. Without admitting it to herself, she felt she actually deserved those unreliable – and sometimes dangerous – boyfriends. She then met a lawyer who, in her own words, “appeared relatively sane”, but was actually suffering from OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and made her life very difficult.

Realizing she was responsible for her life choices, Monique embarked on a healing journey, which gradually restored her self-esteem. Three years later, she started a liaison with a computer engineer, who reminded her of her ex-husband and with whom she was finally able to build a long-lasting relationship.


working on your self-esteem, you are able to attract a better companion and develop a more successful relationship because, when your self-esteem is strong, you know how great you are and you subconsciously recognize this quality in others.

Love compatibility issue #5: Neediness

One of the consequences of having low self esteem is emotional neediness. And because opposites attract, when you are needy, you tend to attract the runaway type.

Needy-Nina meets Runaway-Ron in a bar. They spend a nice evening together and Ron gives her his home number. He intends to call Nina the next evening. However, the next day, when he returns home after a long workday, he find five voicemails from Nina, each one getting more desperate. This is an instant turnoff. His runaway tendencies are taking over the attraction he felt for Nina the previous day. He won’t call back and Nina will be checking in vain her voicemail every fifteen minutes for the next three days.

Sounds familiar? This type of behavior is very common, and will greatly affect your love compatibility gauge. In my past relationships, before I learned better, I could switch between the two roles quite easily. With a typical runaway, I would call repeatedly. With a needy man, I would run away.

When you learn to know yourself, to love yourself and to be at peace with yourself, you realize that people may have different priorities. If a prospective lover doesn’t return your call, here is my personal advice: refrain yourself from calling back immediately and think of all the productive things you can do or think about! You can try calling another time one or two days later in case the message got deleted, but if the person hasn't responded, avoid a third call at all costs!

Be the change you want to see

I strongly believe that we are entirely responsible for who we attract in our life, especially our love life. I am reminded of a joke I heard many years ago.

At the airport, Bob met an old friend, Joe, who asked him where he was headed. Bob explained he was going around the world to look for The Perfect Woman. A year later, Joe run into Bob, who was alone and looked miserable. “I guess you didn’t meet The Perfect Woman?,” Joe said. But Bob answered: “Oh yes, I did, but she was looking for The Perfect Man..."

If you want to meet the perfect partner, look at yourself first. Would you like to be with yourself, or is there something you could improve in your personality? Quoting the great Ghandi, I would advise: “Be the change you want to see” in yourself, and you will attract the right partner!

Love Compatibility

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